Realizations 101

August 13, 2017


The future has a lot of mysteries. Yes, we plan, we dream. However, only a fraction of those plans and dreams goes according to how we plotted them in our minds. Even though how beautifully we crafted our future in our dreams, there will always be this glitch that will lead us in asking “What could have I done better?”

When I was in college, I thought that I can do everything I want when I started working. I thought things will be easier by then. Financial freedom (if not yet stability), being able to do some things I yearned to do without seeking for my mother’s approval, being able to buy everything I need and I want, the luxury of traveling to the places I always dreamt of visiting, to have all the time in the world to make this blog work and to be able to connect to people through infobahn, and the list goes on and on. Man, I wish there was somebody who warned me that life isn’t ideal, that life is not always on your side. 

Don’t you get me wrong, please. I am not having this thing everybody referred to as life crisis. I think I am just having this somersault of emotions that made me realized that you couldn’t have it all, at once. And just to set the proper expectations, this is not about my boring life. This is just a lengthy explanation why I haven’t had the time to touch base with my first love, which is this little space I have here. So if you’ll not doing anything today and decided to read through a pitiful life of a 22-year old engineer, be my guest. 

I started to work in an anti-malware company by mid-January of this year. Not exactly the job nor the company that I am always dreaming of but I settled nonetheless. The people and the work environment made me convinced myself to make it work. Though I am not completely happy of what I am doing, I am striving to fit the role. I do self-study, aimed to be part of any training, and digest every single thing that I think will benefit both the company and me. By doing so, I think I am losing the work-life balance in the process. My daily routine includes being physically and sometimes mentally present at work, survive the day of work, training and self-paced study, going home and keeps on convincing myself that this is really the right time to sleep, and if I am lucky that day, I’ll have the luxury of time to read a book. Yes, one thing that I thought I’ll have when I finally get a bachelor’s degree is what they call the social life. I guess I was wrong. 

I am not the kind of person who likes to go out every Friday night nor the one who like spending time outside my room. To be honest, I am the contrary. But having 2 to 3 hours quality time with old friends is what I am aching to have, which clearly I am not getting not because I am antisocial but simply because our schedules don’t meet. Lucky me, eh? Social media do nothing to improve my case. You can talk to them through whatever communication means we have but still, it cannot be compared when you are truly with them. 

Going back to the real reason of all this… 

Before I created this blog, I had all these plans in my mind I want to carry out. I bought my own domain, spent huge quantity of time looking for a perfect template and lots more. I even said to myself that this will be a lot different from my other two and make it more worth visiting, engaging and interactive. This will be the channel to create connections with people all over the world and a channel for endless possibilities. That, I realized as well, is far beyond possible if I will not make it work. I admit, I lost interest. Why? There were a lot of factors. Factors that made me hate myself for even considering. The most dreadful one was that I compared myself with other bloggers. Why would I continue if there were a lot of bloggers out there that can do better and have way too many followers than I have? I am just a mice in a huge city. Damn girl. Why would I even thought of that? Shame on me for thinking of fame instead of just doing what I loved in the first place. 

I think that aiming to be famous in this industry is totally normal. Being an influencer and having lots of followers can be a very satisfying feeling. Pouring your heart out knowing that somebody is going to read it is overpowering. However, this doesn’t work for me. Aiming to be a famous blogger and influencer made me lose the interest in the process. I strived to create a post that I believed will be loved by everyone. My composition method had changed entirely. Instead of speaking to my friends, my composition spoke with no one. They seem empty to me as I read through them. That is when I realized that I created this blog not for myself but to please everyone who only passes by. I guess I fulfilled what I said to myself that this blog will be a lot more different from my first two, only it was unpleasant, not better. 

I realized that I was a happy camper when my blog was about pouring my heart out, sharing my stories, bravely sharing unprofessional photos – with or without a reader. Doing this to express myself out is the true essence of blogging to me, not being able to be recognized. If in case this blog grows followers in the future, I would be very happy that it didn’t happen in a forced way. However, that is not the aim of this blog anymore. 

Can’t wait to fill this little space of all the adventures that I had for the past months! Though they are overdue, they deserve a space in this page. 

Have a wonderful week ahead, buddies!

All the love, 
Xeph

Lesson learned? Being you is the best favor you can do for yourself. 


11 comments

  1. I like living in the lowkey side of the blogging industry. It makes it easier as voicing out my opinions make it so much easier.

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  2. I always have that same thought, "What could I have done better???". At the end of the day, I can't really change the past so I kind of have to be a bit more strategic with how I act going forward for a better future. Haha, when I started working, I thought I could buy anything I want! NOooope, I have some bills to pay for @___@.

    Even though you're not working at the company you've always dreamed about, at least you have something to make as a foundation. I'm the same as you when it comes to going out. I don't really find value in me going out and doing something wild for the night. Haha, I'm a home girl! XD.

    It gets a bit hard when you work on your blog to please others and not yourself. This is something I remind myself all the time; everything I'm doing is really for me.

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  3. Thank you for your kind words!
    Your right: Some of us are not the typical blogger, but that's ok! We just have to be true to ourselves! I hope your dreams come true!

    xo,
    priceless-ambition.blogspot.pt

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  4. Thanks for these words- great post!!

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  5. Xeph , you're back! Okay lang yan kahit ako nag break for 2 months trying to figure out what to do in life kaya I'm everywhere kahit wala ng pera haha.

    What you said here is all true. Sometimes, I also compare myself to other bloggers especially the ones that get most of traffic and that is beauty bloggers - but I'm not interested in beauty - di ko ga alam pano magkilay lol, so continue lang ako sa love ko - which is travel blogging, kahit friends lang ang bumabasa haha. Keep doing what makes you happy :)

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  6. It is so hard not to compare yourself to other bloggers, I do it all the time! Hang in there you are doing great!
    xo
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  7. Said with very honestly and from bottom of heart thanks dear this is so sweet.

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  8. I love your new outlook and approach when it comes to blogging; sharing your thoughts and feelings is one of the fascinating parts of blogging - and I'm looking forward to reading all about your adventures! :)

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    x

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  9. Oh wow these pictures are so pretty! This is so unbelievably cute!
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  10. This was a really well written post and I completely agree with you - I don't desire to be a famous blogger, I started my blog simply because I love writing and my blog gave me an outlet, to start chasing numbers would take away everything fun! Great post. :)

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